Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.