What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!