I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.