In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no