My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
New menu item
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister