The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?