Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.