In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
You Might Also Like
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Bootstraps
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub