My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
You Might Also Like
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean