Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]