The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed