I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
what
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“i am a sweet baby”
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
peak technology