*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |