When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Kermit goes Blue.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
It be like that sometimes 😆
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.