You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
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Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.