Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
me 2 months after i graduated
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.