Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Butt weight. There’s more!
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.