My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
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There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered