how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??