[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t