You Might Also Like
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Tell the colonel to bring it
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh