Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
You Might Also Like
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”