I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.