The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
what?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The Backseat Boys
When you’re Kinky but poor