*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You Might Also Like
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.