Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*