wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*