Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
You Might Also Like
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)