Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me :
All Day At Night
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.