Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
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Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-