Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.