Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Wikigenius
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.