“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.