if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.