Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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catch me on valentine’s day like
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Y’all ready for this
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
can’t believe I got front row seats
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
i prefer mine room temperature.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.