“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
#Caturday
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”