*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
You Might Also Like
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”