They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I’m too immature for adultery.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering