Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.