DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
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Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work