Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Never forget.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
wishing you and yours all the best
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.