Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Lmaoo 😂
you have three unread messages
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away