*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
You Might Also Like
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…