My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.