her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.