Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
🤣🤣
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Oh my God.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..