My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
this is the best day of my life
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.