Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.