People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Body by cheese-puffs.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.