SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]